I planned a mass murder
in a red notebook
on an orange-yellow school bus.
I don’t care that the earth is gorgeous green,
I live in one shade of blue,
so i never knew about indigo
and all my visions are violet,
I mean violent.
color me, homicidal. They colored me homicidal.
They beat me black and blue.
I bled maroon.
Golden puss seeping out of my sores
I never wanted to be a rainbow.
To bend at the whim of a thunder storm,
slaves to lightning strikes in my insides.
I’m afraid of sidewalks,
side streets and side glances.
They see the colors.
It doesn’t matter if I’m dressed in grey
they watch my walk.
So i twitch and try to straighten my switch
and keep biting my tongue,
but that just strengthens my lisp.
I can’t hide behind bathroom stalls
they always find me
amongst black and white and piss.
I can’t forget they called me
faggot and fruit and tinker bell,
but I thought that bitch had wings
and I never once felt like i could fly.
If I could, I would’ve flown away a long time ago,
but instead they clipped wings before they sprouted.
They clipped spines, I can’t be straight.
I mean I can’t stand straight.
Held down by layers of toxic pain
and I bet they didn’t know they were coloring me in.
They were etching hit lists into my skin.
She called me a fucking queer.
1. You said I was going to hell.
2. Why I look this disgusting, okay.
3. You broke my nose.
4. I can’t babysit your son.
5. Dad said he’d disown me.
6. I’ll die alone.
7. For every color of that fucking rainbow
I’ll put one bullet in my pocket
and 6 will fall for I’ll create a thunderstorm
and they’ll bend to my whim.
I’ll make lightning strike their insides.
Make them afraid of sidewalks.
They’ll run with limps
like I walked with a switch and we’ll switch roles.
They won’t care that I liked pop music
when i’m towing heavy metal.
I’ll paint the pavement red.
Dye their families blue.
Strip their skin violet and let them rot yellow and green.
And I’ll sit, behind indigo bars in a bright orange jump suit
and they’ll ask me why I did it
and I’ll say,
‘because I never asked to be a rainbow
they colored me homicidal.’
Never say the words ‘this is not my life’
This pain that wakes you screaming in the muzzle of the night
That woke your lover, chased into another room
into another life
This fevered fainting
This trembling chest
This panic like a cave of bats
This nurse drawing blood wearing doubled gloves